Sunday, October 16, 2011

Recuperation: Lessons in humiliation

I know I said I wouldn't be posting for a bit. But that was before I knew how gawd-awful bored I'd be.

"Bored?!" I hear you cry. "Why, I'd love to have no responsibilities for 8 weeks!" Ah, but let's think this through, shall we? I had surgery on October 7th. Which means I'm in "leisure" mode for 8 weeks, until December 2nd. 

  • 8 weeks in which I cannot drive. The first 3 of which I'm not allowed to even ride in a car.  Which means I'm stuck at home, with nothing better to do than contemplate my shortcomings as a housekeeper. (Ever had you mother-in-law mop your kitchen floor? On the very first day of babysitting you? Ye gods...) You sit in a chair, unable to focus on the simply riveting book on cottage gardening the husband got you, and see all these items that need attention. Tragically, you can't do anything about it, because you have.....

  • 8 weeks of not lifting anything heavier than 3lbs. See some monster dust bunnies on top of the bookshelf? Forget about tidying them up before the m-i-l sees them; the step ladder weights about 10lbs. Care to pet the cat in all your leisure time? Mitzi weights about 8lbs. She'll need to come to you. (and, since she's a cat, odds are she'll just flop down with her back to you as you attempt to coax her into your lap) Want to look something up in your Random House Dictionary of the English Language, The Unabridged Edition? Ask your beck-and-call boy to fetch it down for you when he gets home from work; he'll get right on that.

  • 8 weeks of no chores. Need some clean undies? Talk to the temp housewife; he'll try to get to it this week. Feeling the snap of Fall in the air and have a craving for your Baked Potato Soup? Ask the temp cook; sorry, he has something else planned for dinner tonight. I'm totally at the mercy of my husband for meals, a clean pair of socks and whether or not my potted roses survive. He's been more than sweet, but remember, we still have 7 weeks to go.
In an effort to keep from tearing out my hair, and/or doing something that might compromise my surgical repairs, I've become a FaceBook junkie, although posting about how bored I am is starting to provoke some backlash. Also I've become a compulsive follower of Royal Family (British, that is) gossip. (Looks like the UK may finally get rid of that ridiculous "boys are better than girls" clause in the Act of Settlement 1701. About time, poncy, misogynist bastards.) Additionally, I've taken to reading the NY Times, the Telegraph and the L.A. Times cover to cover. (hi, Chris!)

Basically, this is a preview of the indignities of an infirm old age, children. You can't do anything for yourself, you must wait for family members to help you out. You sit around listening to the crickets chirp while waiting for somebody, anybody, to have time for you. If ever there was a better incentive to get in better shape as the years creep on, I can't imagine it. And if you know someone in this situation; please, rack up some good karma, and stop by with the Scrabble board. Soon.


  1. Imma come visit you whether you like it or not, Missy. Let's talk dates.

  2. Well at least the scrabble board is less than 3 lbs. I assume you are going to be able to do more as the weeks get on? Patience my dear. In fact this would be a great opportunity to start you Zen meditation practices.

  3. Actually, Chris, I hate playing Scrabble. Mostly because I get my ass kicked each and every time I play. Now, Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit, I'm your girl. Additionally, I'm too scattered to meditate, and I cannot settle to a book or a movie. So I wander the house and putter: tidy a bit here, straighten a bit there. I'll be lucky to be sane by the end of the month...

  4. Ugh - I can't imagine. It always sounds good in theory...but when you're used to being busy not being able to do anything can be near impossible!! Hang in there :)

  5. least this forces someone else to prepare, cook, and clean up after the Thanksgiving meal for you. Do you still serve Wassail during your holiday parties? That could be medicinal and help you recover quickly. ; )

  6. Yup, Wassail is on the menu for the Tree Trimming Party; this year to be held on a Sunday afternoon. But I'm usually just about the only person who drinks it.

    Actually, I've been at almost full capacity for a couple of weeks now. Feel great!